I'm Mum to 3 adult daughters and was the fostermum to quite a few more! After being medically retired from nursing due to an accident, my late husband and I worked together as healers. Over the years I have developed Fibromyalgia, heart problems and arthritis, and have to use a wheelchair to get around sometimes because my legs don't want to move!

Despite this, I have looked after my mother since I was 18 years old, so in effect I have been looking after my parents for the last 41 years along with bring up my own family.

These years were not easy either - often my kids were left in the care of hubby while I went off to nurse Mam or Dad, often for weeks at a time. Then when my girls were aged 16, 14 and 11, my brother collapsed and within 6 weeks he died - he had 4 brain tumours undetected for years, the doctor said he had migraine headaches. He lived with us and was a constant part of our lives so his illness affected us all. He was almost 43 years old, he died 3 days before his birthday.

My mother was devastated and I spent months with her, trying to help her come to terms with his death. 5 years later my eldest brother dropped dead in the street aged just 51. His wife couldn't cope, so yet again I was left to make all arrangements, cope with their grief and help them to get on with life. But there was no one to help me cope............... By now I was 41 years old and having bouts of depression which I thought I was hiding from everyone.

Eventually, we moved up North to look after Mam and Dad, as we had always said that we would go and live near them when they became too old and frail to look after themselves. We were the carers when Dad became terminally ill and my hubby did all Dad's personal care, bathing and dressing him each day, while I nursed him, changed dressings, etc.

One morning my husband simply forgot to wake up - no illness, no clue that there was anything wrong with him - his heart just stopped. All of my family were devastated by this, and two of my girls had mental breakdowns because they couldn't cope. I had to carry on going, Dad needed care and nursing and I got an agency in to lift and bathe him as I couldn't lift him - plus I wanted to preserve what little dignity he had left. We lost Dad six months later, and for a long time I had to spend almost all of my days with Mam, she simply could not cope without him. My nights stretched out and became longer - I couldn't sleep and lost all direction, simply functioning from day to day. I needed to communicate with people of my own age - I was constantly in the company of old people and was starting to sink without trace. I decided that rather than sit and feel sorry for myself I would find something to expand my small world and I became an online counsellor for bereavement and relationship breakdowns.

Through this I met and subsequently befriended a sweet and caring man whose marriage had broken up. I did the "personal shopper" bit and changed his image from top to bottom and got him dating again. When Mam became very ill, he was there for me whenever I needed a friend or a shoulder, and one day we just realised that love had grown without either of us aware of it creeping up on us. We are now happily married, partners in every way. He is also studying healing and helps to 'ground' me when I hold a healing session. Oh - and Mam adores him too!

We have started up a business trading Native American crafts and jewellery, and also design and make exclusive pieces to order. We sell our goods at Country and Western music festivals and biker rallies from march to the end of October, so one or the other of us is away at weekends.

My mother is now 86 years old, frail, ill and in constant pain, and apart from trying to keep her comfortable, there is little I can do except be there for her, so my husband is my rock as well as my friend - some days I feel so drained and apathetic that I feel myself sliding into the deep pit of depression. Mam is having dementia episodes now too, she can get spiteful and silly like a naughty child, sometimes she gets violent and she is frequently aggresive toward me. Sometimes I try (and fail!) to show her what effect her behaviour is having on me - my girls think I am making half of this up as she behaves around them mostly. My husband sometimes puts his foot down when she gets too bad, and tells her we are going home rather than putting up with abuse. It feels like my whole life has been about looking after other people and having to put a brave face on things, when in reality, some days I just want to crawl into a small cave and never come out again. I have spent the whole of my adult life looking after other people and forgetting to look after me - I have often wondered when it will be my turn to be cossetted and looked after. Last year we lost my husband's Dad and 5 weeks later his ex father-in-law, so his kids lost both their grandads in a short time -I was even there for hubby's ex-wife when she needed a bit of support and a hug.

Looking after others seems to be my role in life, but I am getting tired and feel so selfish writing this - I know there are so many people much worse off than me, but I need some time just to be ME for a change! I think I lost me a long, long time ago...............